And Now the Real Fun Begins...

So, as you probably already know, yesterday was a big day for us. In the morning, we went to Children's Hospital Specialty Care Center and had Ellie's "Magic Shoes" made. Actually, they are more like magic socks that fit into her shoes. She isn't wild about them, but is beginning to accept them. She screamed the whole time they were working on her little tootsies... big fun. It was really great when we had to go back about 6 hours later for an adjustment due to a mark being left on her instep. Hopefully, we will get her feet squared away with these... the next step, if they don't work, is an $800 pair of shoe/boots. FUN!! Let's hope that we don't have to get to that. She will continue with physical therapy for about a year and work on strengthening her foot and ankle muscles, getting her heel bones in the right position and stopping her pronation. Somewhere on that continuum she will learn to walk. She really wants to do it, so these new shoes may do the trick.

Our second appointment for the day was with the therapist to discuss our issues with Eliana's attachment and difficulty accepting Milan. It was a really good appointment, but I am a bit overwelmed by the prescribed therapy. Even though I am intimidated by the task before me, I at least feel good that we have a plan, we understand what is happening and the likely reasons for why, and that our therapist has been in our very shoes in her own family. When we got Eliana at nearly 11 months old, she was not able to roll over, sit up very well, feed herself, or even pick up and grasp a toy. Within days, she made incredible progress. She also had severe scarring on her legs and bottom from diapers not being changed or being tied on and left for too long. Ellie had four separate losses being in four different care situations before coming to us. In a nutshell, our therapist put her in the top 30% of kids who experience early trauma. She is incredibly insecure and just waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under her. The fact that she chose to begin attaching to me rather than Milan is a random choice, nothing about Milan caused this issue to develop. Ellie began trying to attach to me, but she is incredibly insecure in that relationship. She pretty much is expecting me to leave her. So, she sees Milan as a threat to that relationship. We have sort of reinforced her fears by forcing the situation. We were told that because of her history and her obvious reaction to that history, we need to look at Eliana at her emotional age rather than her chronological age. Basically, if she were 4-6 months old, how would we treat her and what would we expect from her. The course of action that we are to take for at least the next 3 months or so is pretty dramatic and is completely counter-intuitive. Our therapist basically said, "You will be doing about the opposite of what you feel like you should do or what you would have done with your biological boys." YIKES! Anyway, we need to pull back from letting anyone else care for her, hold her, feed her, comfort her, etc. Also, because she is trying to attach to me, but not secure in it, I need to treat her like a newborn. If she cries, pick her up, etc. When my boys were babies, I did most of the caregiving...comforting, all the feeding, getting up, etc. That bond was established and they felt safe. Then they were more able to bond to their dad. Well, it is Mommy boot camp for the next few months. Milan can (and should) continue and expand on anything that she will tolerate. So, if she is ok with him when I am gone completely- they need to extend that time. If she will let him feed her sweets, do it more often, etc. If, however, he tries to be with her or comfort her and it intensifies rather than wanes quickly, I need to step in immediately and reinforce that I am always going to be there for her. Once she is more assured of my permanence, Milan will not be such a threat. Our therapist believes if we intensely intervene at this point we will see a dramatic change in her behavior toward Milan within a few months. I pray that is true. I pray that I can handle doing so much on my own. I do have other kids, you know? I know it will also be hard for Milan to step back and be very casual in his efforts with her. The therapist basically said that he should walk in and say hi, but not to get to close or try to engage to intensely with her. It sort of struck me as being around and friendly, but not moving into her "space" without her permission so to speak.
The other issue we have struggled with is her constant offering of herself to other adults that are either strangers or little known to her. While she does this more commonly when she is with Milan, she has done it fairly regularly with me as well. Apparently this is very common with kids like Eliana. She spent 11 months being pretty seriously neglected. She still expects not to have her needs met, so when she is constantly feeling stressed or insecure, she will reach out to pretty much anyone as a knee-jerk reaction. This is another reason that we have to sort of isolate her from the care of others. She needs to learn to fill those needs with the love and care of her parents. Over time, her reactionary "reach" will diminish.
This may sound like a lot of psycho-babble or extreme overindulgence, and a year ago, I may even have agreed with you. Having lived this crazy roller-coaster ride, however, I can say that this makes complete sense to me, and I have seen that seemingly unexplainable panic in Eliana. God never intended babies to experience the things Ellie has experienced. Those first months and year of life are designed to build trust and safety and security. When that doesn't happen, it takes time- sometimes more than you would like- to heal those hidden wounds. We are confident that there will be a change in the future, and I am pretty sure that some people will not understand or think we are crazy along the way... C'est la vie! I am thankful we have a better understanding of our daughter and her needs. I am thankful that we can have a plan of attack, as exhausting as it may be. I am grateful that we have friends and family who will continue to pray for us. Most of all, I thankful that this path set before us was not unknown to God who knows what we can handle when we depend on Him. May he grant us the perseverance and strength that we need for what could yet be a few years of healing the hurts.